dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
