I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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