You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it glows. i had to have it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
