I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
