No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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