He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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