No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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