If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
