I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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