Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
