i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
