there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
