Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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