I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
