While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This is my gift to your gina
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
