I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
