she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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