Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
