do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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