I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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