Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
