Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize