I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
