After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
