Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
