in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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