I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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