This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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