I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
