i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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