watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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