I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
