I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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