How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
