I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
