i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
