seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
