There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
