You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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