I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
