I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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