His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
