pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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