I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
