and you said cock pushups were impossible
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
