I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
