Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I am spending my child support on dildos
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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