sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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