I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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