I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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